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I’ve thought long and hard about the sorts of things I want to share on this platform. I’ve heard all the ‘should’s’ about sticking to a certain topic, and listened to the advice telling me the best way to build an audience or sell something. And religion or politics has always been a ‘no-go’ zone.

But I always come back to this – I choose to share what’s on my heart, despite what should or shouldn’t be done.

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I’m in this for the long-haul (writing is something I’ll never ‘retire’ from), so I like to think that I can be free to simply write about my journey of living. 

In recent years, that journey has included a lot on simple and slow living, and how I am actively choosing to pare back my life to lower my stress.

And I’ve actively avoided any topics that might cause distress or unease, such as politics or religion. But my journey and learning about inherent racism has inspired me to raise my voice a little. To speak up where I was previously afraid, or merely apathetic.

And what’s on my heart right now is the spiritual journey I’m on.

(I’ve always shied away from the word ‘religion’ because of its negative connotations, but I’m choosing to use it here because it’s the catch-all phrase for my journey so far.)

And I’m sharing it not because I have the answers, but because it’s messy and unknown, and writing about it helps me untangle it a bit.

I’m sharing it with you in case you are on a similar journey. It helps to know you aren’t alone.

So here goes;

The backstory (condensed version)

When I was 16 years old, I was ‘saved’. I said a magic sentence that gave me a ticket to heaven upon the death of my earthly body. I spent the next several years playing the part of the good little Christian girl. Attending evangelical services twice a week, leading youth group, pretending to study the bible, and trying not to swear. 

I was the perfect ‘convert’, a blaspheming, traumatised young girl who spent every weekend draining a bottle of Jack Daniels and looking for the ‘right’ boy. Christianity felt full of promise and hope in comparison. 

I will spare you the somewhat boring details of the next few years but suffice to say I got baptised, met a wonderful boy (we’ve been married 20 years this December) and even attended bible college.

Before we fast forward to now (the bit I really want to wrestle on paper with), I need to say this. 

My ‘becoming a Christian’ and start of my journey served a wonderful purpose and although I deeply regret burning my Gun’s n Roses CDs, I am ‘okay’ to have had these experiences and to have walked the narrow path of a fundamental evangelical Christian.

But I am equally happy to have gone off the beaten path and be where I am today. 

Some might consider where I am now to be ‘out of God’s will’, or…. Wait for it – ‘backslidden’.

(I think I even wondered that myself for a time).

Sigh.

Newsflash. There’s no such thing as ‘being backslidden’, or out of God’s favour. 

The now story

What I know about God has evolved. Thank God. 

The biggest change in my life has been a deeper understanding and connection of God. (For ease, I use the word God, but you can replace that with ‘universe’ or anything else that feels better fitting for you).

Old belief: I used to believe God was a man with a beard that lived in the sky/heaven. He answered prayers when he felt they were justified (or if we were ‘good enough’). Essentially Santa Claus without the red suit,  

New understanding: God is everywhere and a part of everything. He/She/They are the substance of life, the birds in the sky, the buds in the spring flowers, and the kitten who is currently trying to get my attention. 

He is ultimately LOVE and therefore anyone who has love is not outside of him. (There’s a verse somewhere in the bible that talks about that – find it if you fancy that sort of thing).

So, besides from not believing in the literal biblical translation of what lies beyond those pearly gates (although it does sound lovely!), I also 100 percent do not believe in the concept of ‘being saved’.

I. Just. Can’t. Anymore.

I have Rob Bell to thank for articulating what I’ve long suspected. God doesn’t exclude anyone (which quite possibly negates the concept of heaven and hell). 

Love wins everytime

I will respect those who respectfully disagree with this concept, but I will respectfully believe that my God is bigger than that. 

Old belief: That other religions, or spiritual practices that aren’t Christian are essentially wrong/sinful and therefore any interaction with them should be avoided at all costs.

New understanding: God is everywhere and a part of everything. He is in Buddhism, he is in Sufi, and guess what – He/She also hangs out at your local ‘New Age’ bookstore (newsflash, these guys do a better job of loving the world than most evangelical Christians do). 

Old belief: The Bible is the only true source of God’s word. 

New Understanding: This is plain phooey. Personally I find the Bible hard to read and am no longer interested in reading it for my daily horoscope as I used to. I also don’t believe it’s inerrant. I am thankful that because God/The Universe is in everything and everyone I get to learn from other sources who are just as inspired and full of wisdom.

Some ways I am currently feeding my soul include: 

• Richard Rohr’s books, and his podcast, Another Name for Every Thing
• The Onbeing Podcast with Krista Tippet
• Oprah’s Supersoul Conversations Podcast
• For the Love Podcast with Jen Hatmaker
• My dog and our daily run/walks
• The writing and wisdom of Krista O’Reilly-Davi-Digui
• Everything Eckart Tolle
• Anything Rob Bell
• The teachings of Mindfulness leader and activist – Thich Nhat Hanh 
• Spending time with my children (the little moments, in between the normal hustle and bustle of family life)
• The writing of Rachel Held Evans (start here: Stop Trying to Make Church ‘Cool’)
• Nature

In summary, I’m questioning.

I’m digging. I’m finding out that the kind of ‘spiritual walk’ (or faith if you really want to use that word) I need is expansive and inclusive. And that perhaps I don’t need (or want) the traditional pathway that was laid out before me when I was ‘hashtag saved’.

(I also don’t need or want smoke machines, prayer meetings, bible studies, or outreaches. Neither do my neighbours).

What I do need, is to talk about my journey. With myself. And with you. Because if I have struggled, and wrestled with the prospect or thought of being a ‘backslider’, then you might have too.

This is the journey my spirituality has taken over the last few years. I’m excited, nervous and arms wide open. 

The journey has both simplified things for me (convincing me that the Beatles were right all along – “All you need is love, da da dada da”) and at the same time, expanded my worldview.  

I would love to hear from you if you have been, or are on a similar journey. Let’s do this journey together.

“The true goal of all religion is to lead you back to the place where everything is one, to the experience of radical unity with all of humanity and all of creation, and hence to the experience of unity with God, who is the Great Includer of all else.”

Richard Rohr

P.S. Part of this journey has been letting go of labels such as ‘Christian’, and ‘faith’, not only because they are dualistic and exclusive, but also because it doesn’t describe who I am, or my journey.

I’m not sure I want to refer to myself as anything in particular, but on the days I’m okay with a label I’m going with ‘contemplative Christian mystic’. Actually maybe just ‘contemplative mystic’ (I can almost hear the gasps).

And thankfully, LOVE does indeed trump, and win.