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Job description

Fixed-term management role available for a highly functioning person able to quickly fill the shoes of… superwoman. Your hours will vary without notice. But on average you will work 80 hours per week. The job entails many tasks, a heavy mental load, and lots of variation to keep things interesting.

Cooking and cleaning tasks are non-negotiable as is the art of dropping any one of these important tasks at any moment to deal (oh so graciously) with the demands of whichever child is losing their shit.

You will also be required to attend to each child’s ‘happiness’. Provide the right food, not too hot, not too cold, not too spicy, not too bland. The right amount of television time. The right amount of outside time. Enough to let their inner #wildchild free and make sure your Instagram wall looks good, but not enough so your washing duties are elevated any further.

Your duties and tasks must be completed on time. Tardiness will not be accepted, especially by hungry pre-schoolers who expect breakfast five minutes after they wake, morning tea at 8.30am, 11’sies at 10am, lunch at 11.30, and a buffet of whatever the hell they fancy between 12-5pm.

Thick skin is compulsory. For example, after cooking a nutritious and yummy dinner, they will at best turn you down, and at worst, your nutritious yummy food will end up on the floor.

Any takers?

I hear that silence. This job is not for everyone.

I know it’s not always like this and there are many beautiful wonderful times with our children where it seems angels have possessed them – BUT, these times are too few and too long in between for some of us. Especially those of us with pre-schoolers.

My working week

I just read an article on some Australian research that showed that women often work an average of 2.5 times the average paid work week. So today, Sunday, after a looooong day on my feet, feeling exhausted after being ‘on’ all day, i decided to add up my weekly hours.

168 – hours in every week

54 – hours I usually spend sleeping per week

7 – Hours I get between the last child going to bed and tucking myself in per week

26 – Hours my youngest goes to daycare per week

So, 168 – 54 – 26 – 7 = 81 hours.

81 hours every week in the mum role

I’m ‘switched on’ the whole time. Not only am I responsible for their wellbeing and safety, I also need to be available for them at the drop of a hat during this time. I have literally had to run out of the shower or off the toilet because I thought the small one was killing herself.

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Maybe if I had a more laid-back temperament I wouldn’t find these long working hours so hard. Maybe. But being a mum is hard. The 25 mins ‘downtime’ I had this morning consisted of running the dog. Which is still actually a ‘household chore’ that needed doing. She’s high needs and I’m desperately trying to reduce the number of holes she’s digging in her yard. So I ran, and while I enjoyed being out in the fresh air, by myself, I was still ‘switched on’. I spent the entire run going through the things that were happening for the rest of the day… and figuring out all the things that needed to happen for the coming week. I made mental notes and sort of wished I’d taken pen and paper. So no, it wasn’t really ‘downtime’.

The mental load

The mental load of mums has also been talked about in social media recently. Often also called the invisible role, it represents the myriad things we do on a daily basis to keep our homes running smooth-ish. The to-do lists we keep track of in our heads and the things only we have memorized (from our daughters social security number to which type of sandwich each child prefers).

It’s real. It’s a huge energy sucker. And woman are predominantly responsible for this mental load. ** If this idea is confronting for you please take 2 minutes to familiarize yourself with Jami’s post on the mental workload.

While I have a supportive, involved husband, the mental work – the household management is largely up to me. I’m the ‘go-to’ for everything that is going on with the 4 people in our house. I’m constantly switched on while the children are awake. In this pre-school stage, it’s the norm for me to be hyper-vigilant most of the time. And in my ‘down-time’, my precious 26 hours a week I have ‘free’ – I spend a good portion of it cleaning and cooking so that I can try and be more present for the kids when they finish school. I spend another large chunk chasing my dreams of being a writer. And I try my hardest to spend a chunk doing self-care stuff, like running or decluttering!

How to cope with the mental load

I’m not sure how to change the fact that I’m the sole bearer of this ‘load’. And I’m not sure I want to share the role. Trying to share this sometimes complicates things even more, unless you have perfect communication with your partner.

What I would prefer, and advocate for, is recognition of this invisible role. And that recognition starts with me. When my brain can’t get out the right name for the right child I want to be applauded for keeping them alive and putting food on the table. So I will start by revering and applauding myself for this important role.

Here are four promises I make to myself to ensure I don’t break under the weight of the mental load.

1. I promise to make myself a priority. To look after me FIRST (most of the time).
2. I vow to be kinder to myself. It’s a hard job so I need to bathe daily in grace and kindness.
3. I promise to look for the invisible cloak on other women’s backs. To recognize and encourage them in their role.
4. I will also recognize when I’m overwhelmed by this role, and seek help for myself to get through tough times.

If you are feeling the weight of the mental load, perhaps you need to make some promises to yourself. Maybe they will mirror mine, or maybe they’ll be completely different.

And maybe you just need to know that you aren’t alone.

You aren’t.

Emma xo