A slower life is my both my journey and my goal. I’m there, and simultaneously not there. And I’ve figured out the one thing that’s keeping busy and overwhelmed.
Myself. I’m in my own damn way… 99% percent of the time. I have to learn to lower the expectations I have of myself.
My own expectations of myself are my biggest stumbling block in creating the slower paced life I want. And as much as I tell myself that I don’t have to be everything to everyone, or do ALL the things, I still find myself trying.
It’s not easy to see this stumbling block either. It’s often easier to see and blame other things like long work hours or the demands that come from a young family.
Three areas where my expectations are too high
Wanting an insta-worthy home
Sure I’ve loosened up a lot over the last decade of having kids in my life, but I still expect a certain standard. I have a pet hate for dirty floors and with 2 kids, a dog and a cat, I’m vacuuming every second day to keep on top of it.
But here’s the thing I MUST remind myself. It is my choice to vacuum. When I choose to spend time vacuuming I’m making myself busier by doing so.
Since my phrase for the year is ‘let it go’, I’m experimenting with not vacuuming the whole house every second day :-p
Working too much
A couple of weeks ago our household got a double whammy. Colds and tummy bugs in one week! Add to that a very sore tooth and I found myself on the couch for a few days.
I realised that it had been three months since I’d watched any movies or netflix shows. Three months! Every night after the dinner/bath/bed routine I can be found sitting here, at my computer, fossicking away, writing, creating, thinking.
I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t love it, and while it absolutely forms part of a self-care routine for me, nothing beats disconnecting from life for a bit for some good ol’ fashioned entertainment.
Too many late nights in a row writing doesn’t make me a better writer. It makes me tired, frustrated and discontent.
Offering to help others
While I’ve got very good at saying no to requests, I’m notoriously bad at offering my help. Even when I know I’m pressed for time, I often offer to make meals or babysit, or even just offer a listening ear when I don’t really have the emotional capacity, much less the time in my day. I love helping people and feel especially attuned to other mum’s struggles. I want to help my tribe.
And this is all wonderful, and completely ideal. But back in the land of reality too much helping means I burn out. I still need to make sure I’m fuelled, and my family is happy before offering pieces of myself to others. If I don’t respect this, I invariably end up in pieces.
I know that so many of you feel the same way.
You desperately want to slow down, to let go and relax, and to be able to hop off the treadmill – even just for a day.
There’s ONE THING that will make a dramatic difference. You have to expect less of yourself.
How to lower the bar and expect less of yourself
Respect your limitations
Firstly, do some brainstorming to understand what your limitations are. Grab a pen a notebook and write down the things that energise you, and conversely, those things that drain you.
As a highly sensitive introvert, I’m energized by alone time and lots of silence. Having to socialize for long periods of time drains me.
We all have our own personal energy threshold. Some people seem to have limitless amounts of energy. They run from one thing to the next all day long and genuinely still have energy for after dinner activities (I say this as someone who firmly believes life stops after dinner. That’s it, lights out :p)
For others, more than one thing on the calendar a day, or even a week, can feel overwhelming. Our energy levels are lower to begin with and we get drained easily and quicker than others. We need space and time around activities to get refueled.
And there’s every energy level in between. The trick is knowing where your limitations are. You need to be like Goldilocks in her search for the right bed. Not to hard, not too soft and lumpy, just right.
And when you’ve found the right one, you have to start sleeping there. You have to start respecting your energy levels. Don’t offer to bake for the school fair when you know you are working all week and already have Saturday sports and dinner out.
Let go of perfection
Too many of us are holding onto perfectionism thinking it’s the ultimate goal. It’s not. How many times have you written ‘perfectionism’ as a strength on a job application?
Listen carefully please. Perfectionism is not a strength. At best it’s a skill we’ve learnt and been taught by society. Perfection is a lie and only keeps us chained to work longer and harder.
The sooner you learn to let go of perfection the easier it will be to pare back your schedule and slow down.
Our floors do not have to be spotless. The pie doesn’t have to look like Jamie Oliver’s does. Let it friggin go and just be human instead.
Change the script
The expectations you have of yourself often stem from a script that’s running in your head. Mine has been “I’m not good enough”. I have to work very hard at self acceptance and consciously telling myself ‘I am enough, and what I do is enough”. Slowly but surely I’m changing the script, rewiring my brain.
Others are driven by what they think others expect of them. But the truth is that other people usually expect far less of us than we think. The easiest way to break this script is to just ask people what they want of you, rather than assuming.
Changing a script thats run for decades isn’t an easy thing to do, be kind to yourself and realise that change will come, slowly.
For years, i’ve been my own worst enemy, the only one to blame for keeping myself busy and overwhelmed. I have a hunch that it might be the same for you. Let’s change that. Let’s treat ourselves as we would a best friend. Be kind, be gentle, and be forgiving.
Let’s do this!
