I don’t think I’m the only one who didn’t make New Year’s Resolutions this year. After 2 years of back-to-back pandemic related chaos and uncertainty, many of us are heading into the new year full of trepidation and anxiety.
But I’m also happy to say that I’m full of hope and expectancy. And when I acknowledge and accept that these two opposing forces can live in me, together, I feel a sense of freedom and contentment.
This concept isn’t new and is probably best articulated and known in the Chinese principle of Yin and Yang. All things that exist are inseparable and are contradictory opposites.
I want to accept everything that the next year offers me. The good and the bad.
And I think that this – this crazy juxtaposition – is exactly how we forge our way through this next year.
Learn to embrace everything
As a culture we seem to be so focussed on self improvement and making things better. And as an unintended consequence, this tends to highlight when things aren’t so good.
This constant striving for better, happier, more, perfect, and right, leaves little room for finding joy in the humdrum of everyday life, let alone contentment when things are a bit sh*t.
Without being the ‘positivity police’, I think there’s plenty of space for more acceptance of what is.
Learning to really accept our current circumstances takes practice. But when we can, we might discover a deeper, more steadfast sense of peace than we find when things are going good.
Obviously the universe is dishing up one of the best opportunities to practice this kind of acceptance right now.
After the latest variant of Covid arrived in our little town, I spent three days in an anxiety puddle, before resigning myself to acceptance. It is what it is, and there’s not much I can do about it!
Accepting uncertainty
Chinese philosopher, Laozi, spoke of not resisting the natural flow of life. And I love it.
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them, that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
Laozi
As a person who relies on order and predictability, his words are a difficult pill to swallow. And yet they resonate at a very deep level. This often happens when I need the message the most.
There are a few things that I do to help me focus on acceptance of the good and the bad.
- Notice when I feel the urge to change things. I try not to judge myself, just notice what I’m thinking and feeling.
- Ask myself what I can do to change the situation. More often than not, there’s not much I can do. Let myself sink into that knowledge.
- Allow myself to feel the so-called ‘bad’ feelings. Sadness, tension, anxiety, disappointment. These feelings are just as valid as the ‘good’ ones. They serve a purpose, I need to let them do their work.
The consequences of not being able to be more accepting are myriad, but personally, living this way keeps me very busy.
If I can’t accept reality then I’m always looking for a way to change it.
How to (really) calm the chaos
I started seeking more peace and a slower way of living when I had kids. Because there’s nothing more chaotic and uncertain than life parenting little ones.
That’s the thing I felt most unprepared for as a mother. The constant change, the upheaval of best made plans on the whim of a toddling human. And the ever-present anxiety at ‘doing it the right way’.
It’s taken me 12 long years to understand that it’s not my job to control any of it.
As a mum I can guide things as best I can, but I can never force my children (or anyone else for that matter) to do a damn thing!
It’s my job to accept what happens, and try not to force my own agenda.
I used to think that the way to calm the chaos of busy family life was to organise everything, schedule to the minute, and make multiple lists.
But this usually just left me more anxious.
These days, I get a much better result when I simply acknowledge the situation and accept it for what it is. The good and the bad. Even if that means nothing much changes.
Acceptance in the face of uncertainty is hard work. Remind yourself daily that you are learning to practice this way of living.
If you want to read more about how to embrace uncertainty I would recommend reading two books by Pema Chödrön: Comfortable with Uncertainty, and When Things Fall Apart.
