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If you are a parent you might have vague distant memories of what life was like without your children. And regardless of how extroverted or introverted you are, how many hours you worked, or how full your calendar was, you would probably describe your life as calmer than it is post babies. And if you were really honest, when World War 3 is erupting in your living room, many of you would trade your right hand for one of those long-gone days of calm.

I recently visited my friend with her 4.5-month-old baby. Her first baby. She was, quite rightly, exhausted. But not just the exhaustion that comes with sleep deprivation. It’s the kind that doesn’t start until you are through the first 3 months. It’s the kind of tired your soul feels as it makes the realization that this is your new life. It’s exhaustion mixed with grief.

I sat on her couch, with her gorgeous baby boy cooing on the floor, as she described what life used to be like for her and her husband. “We’d potter together in the house on the weekends, we didn’t even need to talk much, both doing our own projects. Being able to choose what we did next. I miss going out for our date nights… we can’t be spontaneous anymore. And I’m never alone!”.

She was grieving the loss of her pre-baby life. And she had traded her lovely calm life for chaos.

She needed to find calm again.

As a (somewhat) seasoned mother of a 9 and 5-year old, I desperately wanted to tell her all would be okay. And that as they grow older things get easier. They are more predictable and life becomes ordered and tidy again.

I didn’t.  

Sure, in some ways things get easier. But for the most part, an element of chaos is here to stay. Sure they know how to wipe their own bums now, but what about all the toilet rolls they unraveled whilst doing their business? And yes, they can play more independently, but how many times have you asked them to pick up the lego before you just do it yourself (lego injuries are a thing). Life is busier, fuller and more chaotic when you take two and add one or more. It’s simple math.

And as an introverted, type A, trying to recover perfectionist, this parenting whirlwind has thrown me to the ground more than once. There’s a heaviness that comes from constantly living in this whirlwind.

But there are ways we can weather this storm. Ways to find calm again in a chaotic world.

Finding the good in chaos

The word chaos is loaded with negative connotations. Let’s look at the synonyms for the word;

“Disorder, confusion, mayhem, disarray, bedlam, pandemonium, havoc, turmoil, commotion, upheaval, anarchy, and lawlessness.

Sounds pretty awful right? But here’s an important thing. The world is built on chaos. Whatever your belief system is, the truth is that the world was formed out of a whirlwind of unformed matter in infinite space. This disordered matter was given formation and then placed within finite boundaries.

Good was created out of chaos – so start with acceptance

Because chaos is natural, and we are a part of nature, it makes sense that we too will endure chaos. The problem is that we see chaos through a human lens that seeks order, structure, and certainty.

The first step in finding calm in chaos is to accept the chaos, know that it’s innately wired in us, and stop trying to resist it all the time. Hint: This may mean letting go of perfection, or at least holding it a little more loosely.

Chaos can be transformative

We’ve lived in more chaos that I would like over the last couple of years due to some major renovations. I’ve had days where I’m completely and utterly over it. Over the mess, over the long hours my hubby spends in the garage, over the ladders, paint, and dust. But every time we finish a stage, I’m reminded that we are transforming our house into something so much better. But first, I just have to live through the chaos.

As parents we have this incredible opportunity, a gift really, to nurture our children as they navigate the world and find their own identities. This nurturing process is unlikely to look magazine perfect. It’s going to involve mess and chaos. But this is an important part of the process because in the chaos, children are creating GOOD.

I imagine this is how children might define chaos:

“Fun, imagination, playing, creating, making things, home, loved, and warmth”.

When I feel like things are out of control, and there’s a mess everywhere, I need to stop and listen. I need to hear the sounds of my children playing and remind myself that this chaos is transforming them, and me.

And I need to remember to go through it. One of our favorite bedtime stories is a wonderful analogy for parenthood.

We’re going on a bear hunt.

We’re going to catch a big one.

I’m not scared.

What a beautiful day.

Uh-oh. Mud. Thick oozy mud.

We can’t go over it, we can’t go under it. Well have to go through it!

Squelch, squelch, squelch, squelch.

Parenting is full of mess, mud, and chaos, and really and truly the only way to go is through it.

Hunt down calm spaces and defend them fervently

As I sat on my friend’s couch and listened to her grieving the loss of the old, I encouraged her to hold on to what calm spaces she could find. It’s very hard with a newborn, but very important. For her, this means asking her partner to take the baby out for a walk or drive so she could enjoy a calm house for 30 minutes.

I find calm spaces on long runs or walks, yoga and meditation, and in the few precious hours, I get alone at home. Whatever and wherever you find calm, protect it and nurture it. For now, you’ve traded large swaths of calm for chaos, but you don’t have to trade it all! A little calm each day goes a really long way.

And remind yourself every day that not all chaos is bad, much of it is just the process of transformation.

What now? Maybe print the image below and stick it on your fridge to remind you of ways you can inject a little calm into each day.

Read: I find CALM in the space of in-between

Read: Superpowers for the overwhelmed parent

Read: Moms, our superwoman role, and the mental workload

Download Krista’s 30 Days to Calm Resource over at A Life In Progress. It’s jam-packed with practical goodies on creating a calmer more intentional life.