Note: This is part 2 in my ‘Caring during Covid-19‘ series. You can find part one here.
My 6-year-old is a big ball of feelings right now. There’s a lot of emotion being processed in her little body.
A clue to one of her big feelings right now is her distress when I leave the house. Which of course, is only happening for food and exercise. She doesn’t want me to go, and she doesn’t exactly know why.
(She’s scared.)
So I’ve told her this.
“Hunny you don’t need to be scared, because mummy will be back soon, BUT it’s okay that you are scared”
(What I haven’t told her is that most people I know are scared at the moment, and that I think she’s probably also feeling the fear in the air.)
So, how are YOU feeling right now?
My daughter is feeling scared. And loads of other emotions too.
But I’m wondering, how are you feeling? Anxious? Tired? Or maybe happy and content.
What I know, from conversations with friends and family, is that many of you are channeling your inner Jekyll and Hyde. One day you are feeling pretty good, maybe extra grateful for the little things, like coffee, and the next day you are crying in the garden shed where no one can find you.
Here’s the thing. Are you ready for it?
All your feelings and emotions about your situation (about humanity’s situation) are valid and okay.
All of them. Not some of them, all of them. Not just the fear and worry, also the envy or resentment.
And here’s why I think they are valid (which is a different thing to them being true – we’ll get there in a minute).
They are valid because they are YOUR feelings. They belong to you.
And, dearest friend, YOU are valid.
Please don’t feel something and then decide that you shouldn’t be feeling that way. You are allowed to feel however you feel. And, as a gentle reminder, you are allowed to feel. Full stop (pertinent to those of us who have spent years numbing, instead of feeling).
So, this brings me neatly to the next thing.
What to do with all these damn feelings?
Because they can still suck and be downright horrible to have. Sometimes I feel like my emotions are a heavy rock sitting on my chest. In order to move that rock and breathe a little easier again these things are helpful.
Fact check
This might seem irrelevant when I’ve just told you that all your feelings are valid. So why fact check right?
Hear me out.
Here’s a feeling I’ve had before.
“I am unloved”.
Is it true? Nope. Not at all true, but that did not change how I felt. But checking the facts was helpful and gets that rock moving.
Current situation: I feel helpless. This is both true and untrue. While I’m helpless to help those who are already sick I can help prevent the spread of the disease by practising good hygiene and by staying at home.
Okay, let’s move on.
Feel them
Feel it out. This is especially for those of us who have harbored a habit of doing other things instead of feeling. You know what I mean right? Like opening that bottle of wine, or scrolling endlessly on Instagram, or running for 2 hours, or baking 3 dozen hot x buns.
We have feelings, especially the big, heavy ones, for a reason. Yes, some of them, like fear, are for good reason, staying alive reasons. Those ones are tied to the older bits of our brains that helped us escape sabertooths.
But the main reason I think we have feelings is because they make us HUMAN.
So feel them out. In all their awful, extraordinary, excrutianary painfulness. And even just for a minute or two.
Be kind to your feelings
Once you’ve felt that fear or joy for a bit, take it one step further and be kind to it. Treat that feeling like you would a stranger who needs your help. Invite it in to stay as long as it needs.
Your feelings are a part of you. So being kind to them is a form of self care. Obviously you’d rather get a facial than invite fear in for a sit down and a chat, but this kind of self care is paramount to growth.
Feelings teach us.
So one of the best thing you can do through all this is to ask your feelings a question.
“What are you trying to teach me today?”
And yes, you can both ask that question AND then skip the class. That’s a normal part of the process.
Finally, find a way to process these feelings.
Sweat them out
Feelings get stored in our body. Finding a release for them is a really important and good thing right now.
I do a lot of processing, both implicit and explicit, on my runs and long bike rides.
There’s something about moving the body that helps us to move the feelings. Move that rock that sits on our chest.
Over the past few months I’ve been experiencing PTSD symptoms, and one of this symptoms is a bizarre catatonic state. I feel frozen in time, unable to move. Muscles stiff, heart racing, stuck.
Opposite action is a (sometimes) helpful tool that I use when I get stuck. Moving my body does something to shift my feelings.
You don’t need to run like I do. But a walk, even around your house, or some gentle yoga will shift and ease your big emotions.
Thats a wrap, but here are the main points.
- Your feelings are valid – you are valid
To help you process your feelings you can;
a) Fact check them
b) Feel them
c) Be kind to them
d) And sweat them out
Love to you all, from the bottom of my heart, and the bottom of the word (New Zealand),
P.S. In the upside-down world (which is the year known as 2020), I am showing up on IGTV for a change. I found a hiding place that’s secret from my kids – but YOU can find me HERE.
P.P.S. I’ve decided to take my love of storytelling and put it to use. I want to collect and tell stories of the life and times of Corona. I’m currently fleshing out how this will look but if you want a place to tell your story, I’m going to provide it – stay tuned.
Photo by Patryk Sobczak
