Dear daughters. 12 things for your life journey

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I’ve had a book draft, dedicated to my daughters, in various forms, in a filing drawer in my brain for several years. The idea was formed after the death of my mother-in-law (and close friend) in December 2016. While she taught us many things and left an incredible legacy, I loved the idea of having these things on paper. Something a little more tangible that I could refer back to over the years.

So a seed was planted. What could I leave my daughters that would help them through the journey of life, especially if I wasn’t here?

I don’t mean for these to be rules, or lessons, or implying right and wrong (hence the use of ‘things’). Instead, I hope that they are a bit like street lamps (you know the ones in Mary Poppins), that are there to light the way if need be. 

This is part of a list-in-progress, an ever-evolving project. I like to think of it as a patchwork quilt, rather than the book that might not ever be finished!

Thing 1: Find who you are, and live out your truth

Finding who you are is a long, hard process. I’m 41 and only just discovering the real me. My true self. Growing up it’s so easy to try on different personas. Our younger selves are malleable and our desire to please is strong. 

Finding your authentic self is the most important processes you’ll ever go through. Layer by layer you’ll emerge from the chrysalis of all the other ways of being you tried. Bravely living out that authenticity is the next most important thing you’ll do, but one you’ll have to choose every day. 

P.S. Authenticity is closely connected to the feeling of belonging. If you ever feel as though you don’t belong, you might not be living in alignment with your true, most authentic self.

Thing 2: Dear daughter, learn to put yourself first

Sometimes it’s okay to be selfish. As you get older you’ll be taught by society to put the needs of others first. It’s in everything (particularly if you stay in a church community). You will have role model’s all around you that are ‘helpers’ and ‘doers’. And these are good things. But never at the expense of the helper.

You must learn to look after yourself first, and the sooner the better. One of the missions of your life should be to curate a sustainable self-care tool box. 

Here are a few things that are an essential part of mine: good boundaries (learn how to say no); caring for your mental and physical health; following your curiosities (see thing 6) and doing what lights you up; honoring my core values; and living as authentically as I can muster up the courage to (see thing 1). 

Only when I make time to take care of myself in these areas, can I take care of others. 

Thing 3. There is no religious or spiritual practice that is more important than love

You can go to church if you want. Or you could follow the path of enlightenment to Buddha. There are many different spiritual journeys you can go on. But they are nothing without love. Love is at the core of everything good.

Religion or spiritually becomes very simple when you realise this. 

So don’t get caught up in the fine print. The details like denomination, theological beliefs (you know like did God really create Eve out of Adams ribcage), or anything else. It’s all trite in comparison to the absolute truth that is love.

Follow love and you’ll never be lost.

P.S. You can’t join a cult, Dad said no.

Thing 4: Dear daughter, learn to sit and feel

Oh my child. The emotions you will feel over a lifetime could fill the bowl of the earth. The tears you will cry are the ocean itself. And my best advice, one I’m still wrestling with myself, is to sit and feel them all.

Anxiety, sadness, loneliness, joy, grief, despair. If you don’t sit with them and make friends they’ll become your foes. And they’ll be quick to introduce you to their mates who they say will help. Alcohol, drugs and sex. These three will numb you so you don’t have to feel those feelings. 

I’m not saying don’t occasionally numb your feelings (I think many of us had a glass of whiskey in the hours after Granny Rose died), I’m saying don’t make it a habit. There’s a difference.

And occasionally, invite sadness in for a cuppa. Let her sit for a little while. Soak in each other’s presence until you pass through the eye of the storm. 

P.S. Read: How you are feeling right now is valid

Thing 5: When you need healing, go outside

If there’s one passion or interest of mine that I’d like you to inherit it would be my ever-growing love of nature. You could take or leave running and writing or anything else I do. But if I could somehow instill in you the love of nature I would be confident that you were in good hands.

Whenever you are unwell, physically or mentally, I encourage you to look first to nature. You would be amazed at how much healing can take please from simply watching a sunset or smelling the grass after it’s rained.

Notice your natural surroundings. Wherever your life takes you, make it a practice to spend at least 5 minutes outside everyday. 

P.S. You’ll probably have to put your phone down to gain the full benefits of nature.

Thing 6: Be a student of… everything

Look, I don’t care if you don’t go to university. Maybe you won’t even finish high school. What’s important, critical even, is that you learn to love learning. Life is one big lesson. You’ll learn from interaction with people, you’ll learn from books, plants, and the homeless guy you barely glanced at sitting outside McDonalds.

Be curious. Be like Alice and follow all the rabbit holes. Want to know about lions in Africa? Save your pennies and go. Curious about the black holes or the space-time continuum? I’ll buy you the books!

And listen to Elizabeth Gilbert’s advice (yes, I mean actually follow that link and listen). Don’t focus on passion. Satiate your curiosity instead. Sure there’ll be things you’ll get passionate about, but chasing passions more often leaves you exhausted and strung out. Dance with curiosity instead.

Next week: things 7 – 12.

4 Comments

  1. Odette July 7, 2020 at 11:18 am

    Thank you Emma, what a truly wonderful and so needed piece, Thank you, Thank you XXX

    1. emmy.l.scheib@gmail.com July 8, 2020 at 8:47 pm

      Oh you are welcome Odette. I’m so glad you enjoyed it xo

  2. Heidi Barr July 8, 2020 at 1:02 am

    “P.S. You’ll probably have to put your phone down to gain the full benefits of nature.” Ha! Amen to that. Great post, Emma. 🙂

    1. emmy.l.scheib@gmail.com July 8, 2020 at 8:46 pm

      Hehe thanks, Heidi. True for everyone, but a good reminder for my almost 12 year old who received a phone the day before lockdown!